Sleep, or lack thereof

Sleep. I'm lacking in the sleep department. Plain and simple, I do not get enough sleep. I really did try to remove the dark circles under my eyes with make-up remover (refer last post), only to sadly discover there was no make-up there at all and that I really do look that tired. Three of us are at fault for my tiredness: Emily, Anna, and myself. Not usually all at once, but I'm always a part of the equation. Emily gets me up at least twice a night. Anna will sometimes wake me once a night, usually just to ask if it is morning (no, it isn't). And I don't go to bed early enough to make up for any lost sleep. That's my fault, but I can't help it. There is always some chore left to be done after bedtime or something to watch on TV or Facebook to check. Or blogs to write. Brent and my mom always tell me to "go to bed!". But I can't seem to make myself go to bed early and sacrifice maybe the couple of hours of quiet in the evening after bedtime and before the middle of the night wake-me-up time. It's like limbo. The calm after the storm and the calm before the storm. And it's my time, even though I'm tired and worn out and could easily fall asleep in a matter of 25 seconds.

Our babies are cute ones, but they are not good sleepers. Anna didn't sleep well as a baby and neither does Emily. She is up at least two times during the night still. At least she doesn't scream herself to sleep anymore, we are thankfully past that awful stage. I really hate that stage. Just ask Brent. Now Emily often begs for 8:00 bedtime, all tired out from the day and ready to nurse into a quiet, cozy sleep. But then it never fails, the baby monitor will light up with her cries around midnight. And then again around 4am. I stumble to her room, she nurses, and back to sleep. Sometimes back to sleep is easier than others, since she sometimes thinks 4am seems like a fine play time. I convince her otherwise. Some parents probably would say to let her cry it out and to stop night time nursing. Sometimes I do let her cry in the middle of the night if she wakes shortly after a feeding and I know she doesn't really need anything. But I have a hard time not going to her the other times when I know she needs me. A lot of parenting books would likely tell me I'm wrong, but I don't seek their opinion. I did it with Anna and I'm doing it with Emily - I do what feels right at this moment. Maybe me getting up from my bed twice a night isn't exactly "right" (hint, scary under eye dark circles), but it's right for Emily. She is a baby after all and one night, just like Anna did, she will surprise me and only get me up once. And then she won't get me up at all. Until she turns three and calls me in the middle of the night to ask me if it is morning time ....

Anna. Bless her heart, she wakes up with the craziest morning hair sometimes. She sleeps well through the night most nights, a good 10 to 12 hours. But once in a while she will wake me. "Is it morning?" No. "Can I have some Rice Krispies?" Yes, for breakfast. In the morning! What is more challenging for Anna is getting ready for bed. Getting ready for bed drives me bananas. Just ask Brent. I told him just the other day that bedtime feels like herding sheep. Blind and deaf sheep. Anna is so good at stalling, finding all sorts of things she "needs" to do before brushing her teeth or going potty. And once finally in her bed, she finds more things to discuss. She's hungry, she's thirsty, she's hot, she's scared, she has a booger, she needs to go potty again, she can't sleep. But then she will settle down, sing songs in her bed and make my heart melt for her all over again.

And I huff and puff all the way to Emily's room, so annoyed that I am up once again in the middle of the night. And then I lift her from her crib, she is is warm and cozy and so grateful to see me. I forgive her. In the dim of her nightlight by the rocking chair, I look at her little face and see such beauty. And I forgive her again.

Sleep deprived and in love with these kids - I guess it's a good combination to get me through. Till then, I'll dream of 8 hours of uninterrupted sleep. And drink a cup of Brent's coffee once in a while. And find some concealer for the dark circles under my eyes.

Sweet dreams.